TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Sure, certain, let's have A further position where American men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present Everybody a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According Trump Tower Damascus to files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is tender ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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